Goodbye old me, hellooo new!

If you know me NOW, you might see a girl of light, joy, freedom, and laughter.

What you might NOT be able to see is a history of

heavy,

dark

captivity

and crippling fear.

If you know me NOW, you might see a girl living a carefree life of faith… running after Jesus with all the passion and trust.

What you might NOT be able to see is a lifetime of

hyper-controlling

uncertainty,

insecurity,

and doubt

tripping me up and naming my every move: distrust.

If you know me NOW, you might see a girl who loves loving and being loved.

What you might NOT be able to see is

a broken sense of love,

an addiction to withdrawing from everyone,

a belief in my incapacity to love, and

a rejection of my belovedness.

Yes, I called myself by these names.

Unloveable

Unlikeable

Deficient at love

A loner

Unworthy

Unable to trust

A doubter

Wrong to the core of me

Afraid

Oppressed

Chained

Drowning

I was FAST losing sight of any light or hope or goodness or truth.

Losing sight of any meaning or purpose for my life.

And then I heard this one truth and it unlocked something… just a little bit… of hope.

This is the truth I heard. Jesus’ gospel was one of LIBERATION.

What is this liberation?

Repentance. His message? Repent, for the Kingdom of God is here. In other words, the KING OF HEAVEN AND EARTH HAS ARRIVED.

Repentance? Big word. Means to turn around, 180, and leave the old behind and walk into the new 100%.

This came to me. This truth that I could remove my old dark clothes. History, brokenness, triggers, addiction to shame.

And put on the clothes King Jesus gives.

No longer bound by who I called myself.

Surrendered to his identity for me.

And living like that new name.

Now I’m a sunshine girl. One who carries a resilient joy that doesn’t have to waver in trouble. I live locked into my belovedness, and I love like I was MADE TO LOVE.

I don’t have to CARE what others think of me or what I THINK they think of me. That’s worthless. It will only spiral me. That is a changing reality.

The reality I must plant my life on is an UNchanging one—coming from my Maker, Pursuer, Laid-down Lover, Healer, Deliverer, Champion.

If I yield my reality to his, that is where I find peace. That is where I find abundance. That is where I find hope. That is the birthplace of life.

Matthew 7:24–27, NLT

²⁴ “Anyone who listens to my teaching and follows it is wise, like a person who builds a house on solid rock.²⁵ Though the rain comes in torrents and the floodwaters rise and the winds beat against that house, it won’t collapse because it is built on bedrock. ²⁶ But anyone who hears my teaching and doesn’t obey it is foolish, like a person who builds a house on sand.²⁷ When the rains and floods come and the winds beat against that house, it will collapse with a mighty crash.”

I was looking for this all along. I just didn’t know how to lose everything to gain him. And I didn’t know that’s exactly what I was made for… to give ALL my life—thoughts, beliefs, judgments, perceptions, dreams, desires, needs—to him. But it is. This is what I was made for. Dependency.

Marriage to heaven.

And this is the meaning of FULLNESS of LIFE.